Although my book ‘Yes Daddy’ (coming soon) is directed at helping women, as a coach I help both men and women. Both are equally important and I love working with them.
I have had many bad experiences with men, and I guess that just comes down to the fact that I am hetero (for the most part anyway) – not because men are worse than women. In fact, women are just as bad. Humans are the problem, not any one gender, so I’m going to address wounded women and how you can identify when you may be bringing toxic behaviours into the relationship. As with everything I write – this can be applied to both sexes.
- Are you Controlling/Suspicious/Jealous?
A little bit of jealousy and suspicion is normal in any relationship, but when it comes to the point where it’s almost a constant topic of conversation, there’s a big problem. Constantly asking him where he has been, who he has been with and demanding he hand his phone over all the time is no way to live. First of all, has he given you any reason to be this suspicious of him? If he has, and it’s been proven, then why are you still there? Trust is super important. If you honestly don’t trust him there is no way you can have a fully functioning relationship.
If he hasn’t given you any reason to feel this way, you need to take a look at yourself. Why are you like this? Have you been burned before? It’s important to take a step back and realise that it’s your problem, not his, and you may lose a good man if you don’t quit it. It gets exhausting constantly being accused when you are doing nothing wrong.
2. Are You Cheating or Flirting With Other Men Behind His Back?
Believe it or not, I do not judge people who cheat. I definitely don’t agree with it, but as a therapist I have found that there are many different reasons for it and it can be a very complex situation depending on the person, the situation and their mental health.
People that do this are usually people who have little to no love or respect for themselves. They deep down feel like they are inherently ‘bad’, and so they act out as a way to feel sexy, loved, even to to ‘win’ over someone else (he wants me over her, so I’m better). It sounds sad, and it really is.
It’s rare that people do these things because they are just heartless assholes who don’t give a shit who they hurt – although there are definitely those out there. Heartless assholes who honestly just don’t give a shit who they hurt – I can’t help those people. But if you are the former, be honest with yourself about why you’re doing it. If you haven’t healed yourself and you need constant validation from other people, at least respect your partner enough to let him/her go and work on healing yourself first so you don’t hurt anyone else in the process.
3. Are You Letting Him Treat You Badly?
As much as it may be him treating you badly, people only treat you the way you allow them too. It is your responsibility to make sure you have boundaries in place and command respect. You are teaching him what you will accept every single day. Just something to keep in mind!
4. Are You Overly Dramatic?
Drama is something most people can’t deal with, male or female. If you get super angry and dramatic over every single little thing, he is going to withdraw from you and feel like he can’t come to you with any problems at all. Your emotions are not his job to handle. Act like an adult.
5. Do you Nag or Give The Silent treatment?
Nagging is not just something men say about women because they’re being sexist pigs. Nagging is definitely something we do (I am so guilty of this). It’s out way of caring, but it can easily get out of control and become negative and oppressive if you don’t keep yourself in check. Try and catch yourself nagging and ask yourself if you’re nagging because you feel the need to control him or is it because you genuinely care? If it’s control – stop it. If it’s because you care, try and think of a more positive and constructive way to ‘help’ him.
Also, the ‘silent treatment’ is a form of abuse. If you’re not speaking to him because you need a bit of time, that understandable – but let him know that. Don’t punish him by not speaking to him or contacting him, it is a horrible thing to do to someone you love, not to mention childish.
Hopefully these points can give you something to think about, and force a little bit of self reflection. After all, if you help yourself you help everyone around you too.
Let him go out with his mates without hounding him every 5 seconds. Trust that he’s going to do the right thing. And if you have proof that he hasn’t been totally honest with you – then get out the can of crazy, and leave his ass.
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