There comes a time in a relationship when you may be tempted to check your partners phone. Whether you’ve been burned before, or you’re just curious, going through your partners phone feels….wrong.
When I first started dating my ex, he made sure that I lost access to all my old email and social media accounts, and made me new ones that he had complete access to. As I’ve said before, I saw it as him just wanting me to have a new start with him because he loved me so much, but now I see it was to have complete control of me. Control that he wielded until after our breakup when I literally had to start again from scratch and create whole new emails and social media accounts. I lost everything, photos of my kids, all the memories I had.
Not only that, he used my old accounts to pretend to be me, chat with people I used to know (as me) so he could trick them into divulging my private information and use the stuff against me later. He also put hacking software on my phone so he had complete access to that. A keeper, right?
So when it comes to phones and allowing access, it’s always something I was weird about. In saying that though, I think in a healthy relationship, you should be totally comfortable with your partner picking up your phone and using it for whatever. I know my fiancé and I always use each others phones for things if theirs is more readily available.
It shouldn’t be a problem at all if you’re both doing the right thing, but going though it constantly looking for some evidence of cheating has a totally different vibe and could really start pissing your partner off, especially if they are doing the right thing. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes (maybe once every few months) I start feeling insecure and I might scan J’s messages, but I feel stupid doing it and every time I find nothing it makes me look less and less.
On the other hand, if your partner is protective of their phone or freaks out when you go to touch it, that’s an issue. In my experience, people who get mad or panicky when you pick up their phone have something to hide. If you have a partner who is reluctant to give you their passcode, that’s a cause for concern. Even if they pretend to not freak out, but you can feel their eyeballs burning into the screen from behind you every time you pick it up – red flag!
Everyone has a right to privacy, of course, and it may just be they don’t want you opening up their last web page with whatever weird porn they looked up last night, but in my experience as both a woman and a therapist there may be something going on there.
If you feel that is the case, talk it over with your partner. Let them know how you feel, or even show them this article! If they love and respect you they will laugh it off, hand over their phone and say – ok, go for it.
Just make sure if you find nothing, that you start working on why you have trust issues and whether they are warranted or not, because you could end up driving them away eventually. Trust is everything.
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