Your Past Is Not Their Business

Does you partner guilt trip you about your exes? Do you they make you feel guilty for having a romantic life before you? Sure, it’s normal to be a little bit uncomfortable about our partners exes, but there comes a point when it becomes a tool of abuse.

When I met my ex – he made me throw out my whole life when I moved in. Every single photo, every letter, every gift I ever got from anyone else. He also made me change my email addresses and phone number! Being young and naïve, I thought it was sweet that he cared for me that much, but now I know – he wanted complete control of me and my life.

I spent 7 years in that relationship feeling guilty for every guy I even looked at before him. He had control of my old email and Facebook accounts and used to contact my exes pretending to be me just to get more information about stuff I did in the past and use it against me.

And it worked. I would feel so bad for having relationships before him, I would feel guilty like I was dirty. I remember he once looked at me with contempt and said “If I knew what a slut you were I never would’ve married you”. I found myself constantly trying to ‘make it up’ to him by being the perfect wife – but nothing was ever good enough of course. I look back now and think how could I be so silly! Eventually I did leave when I realised the way he was treating me wasn’t okay in the slightest, but it came at a huge cost to my self esteem.

Chances are, unless you grew up in a hole in the mountains somewhere, you’ve had a relationship before your current partner. Maybe 3, maybe 20! The fact is, it doesn’t actually matter what you did before your partner, it matters what you learned from it and who you are now. Some couples choose to tell each other every detail down to how many people they’ve slept with – I don’t think that’s necessary and I don’t think it’s any of their business !

There is no situation in which a partner should make you feel guilty about your exes. Sure, don’t bring them up every second sentence and perhaps take down the portrait of you guys hanging on the wall that you got painted on your holiday to Venice – but you should be able to causally mention them without being completely blindsided by jealousy and a cold shoulder. Your worth shouldn’t depend on how many people you have been with or the types of people you have loved. If anyone says otherwise – they need a swift kick to the nuts/vag.

Exes are the people who moulded your relationship choices and led you to your current partner. They showed you what you do and don’t want, so that should make your partner (or you, if you are the jealous one) feel better about it. They are exes for a reason.

If you are not over your ex – then you shouldn’t be dating, period. But if it’s all over with, then it should never be an issue in your relationship. I will talk about remaining friends with exes in another post (I have mixed feelings about this), but for now, accept that your partner has had a past and accept your own. It has helped you grow into the person you are today.

Beth x

Photo by Vitor Lima on

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: